Anxiety Turned Agitation

People have been saying I was evil/mean since I was a kid.  All of these people were family that knew me pretty well I guess. I’ve always been particular about the way things are set up. If someone moves an item that I have set in a certain way and in a certain place, I like it to stay that way. I have a tendency to complain and nit pick over small things that annoy me. Part of me doesn’t care that the person does not care that others don’t get annoyed by the same things. In my mind they need to stop cause I don’t like it( not really). I know it kinda sounds a little bratty. However, the things I get nit pick over are things that I believe should annoy the next person. For instance when people drop crumbs, leave toilet seats up, not rinsing out your dishes before putting them in the sink, not putting my property back in its proper place. There are others things…but these were off the top of my head.

My day can be going well, I can feel pretty good, but the second I mention something someone should’ve done and have not, I am pushed into the evil/mean category. I am not always aware of my expressions or tone. Most of the time I’m anxious and trying not to offend another person or irritate them in anyway. Just because I complain about something I don’t like doesn’t mean I have some maleficent agenda to cause strife with others.

I am by no means saying that people are wrong about me. I do have a slight mean streak. Yet, most of the time when I am actually doing something out of spite, people don’t notice or comment at that time. It’s really weird.

I guess I really have to practice on awareness of tone and expression. I grew up with two grandmothers that were very particular about how things were set up. My paternal grandmother ( whom died last year) was said to have lived in a doll house by my father. She had a house that was basically not liveable. Certain rooms she did not want us in….even adults.Certain bathrooms couldn’t be used…..the list goes on. I also remember her always saying something to my grandfather about spilling or wasting something or how he did something wrong. I loved my grandmother, but she was in no way a saint. Many would categorize her as evil/mean…..am I turning into this ?…..nah I won’t let it happen. My maternal grandmother is where I think most of my anxiety stems. She was always very scary, cautious, and always had us thinking something bad was going to happen. I guess all grandparents and parents are like that, but with my granny its underlining anxiety. I know and see it very clearly now. It’s amazing that she has gone all this time functioning decently.

I am thinking I take after these two women. I picked up some of their good traits like cooking, cleaning, spirituality, creativeness, & style. I’d like flush out the bad traits and replace the  with better habits. I don’t want to be a nagging old woman with a bunch of cats and yarn.