Today begins my second week of work. I left the two jobs I had over a year ago. I made the decision because I knew I just couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I needed to put my life in order. In addition to that I had a legal situation going on. Nonetheless, I’m working again and haven’t gotten my life in order the least bit. Granted I had the time to do it while I was off for a year, while my significant other took care of most things. This was what I was supposed to be doing all that time. However, I let my anxiety and depression defeat me.
I’m kinda just going on and living somewhat emotionless at times. Doing what I have to do to get by. I’m not happy nor sad right now, just going through the motions. I often feel out of touch with others and reality. I question the purpose of all this difficult life stuff. It’s one huge test and what will I get once I’ve completed it?
Should we have no taste of content, happiness, or freedom while going through this life thing?
Outside of making someone else rich with working for them, penny pinching because you don’t make enough, and dealing with the general public is a real head ache. I’m currently only working part time. I don’t want more than a few days and hours a week. I know I need to work more. I want to get out of the living situation I’m in and be independent again. This seems a long way off.
I’m still considering school, but that’s several years out of my life again. Granted this time around I have ideas for a business I could start, which is a plus. I don’t really have anyone in my corner anymore from being mean, unpleasant, selfish, and complaining too often amongst a number of other things. That’s another thing about life. You can’t truly rely on others….. people will always ride for those they love most, closest in kin, or they just stop fuckin with you for whatever reason. In this instance I have to be my own friend and pick myself up. Never let myself fall into the position I am now.
I see so many others with people or sometimes a circle full of people that’s riding with them. That care, that are supportive, that engage with them etc. However for me…..this is not the case and may never be. I have to be alright with that and find the small things that make me happy outside of other humans. ‘Man’ will always let you down because we aren’t perfect. Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s not. I have to harden myself because I’m extremely sensitive, I can’t let the moves of others constantly effect my psyche and state of being.
I can learn from my mistakes, but it’s sometimes difficult or impossible to actually fix. In a previous post I wrote about how I’m considering getting a mentor/coach. It’s been difficult for me without knowing I have someone ANYONE in my corner for good. People come and go…..people lives & responsibilities change, etc. Do I really need anyone else. Probably not because it can probably do more harm than good for me. Adjusting to someone being around, then they decide they can’t tolerate me or my behavior and it’s a wrap. So why even start….
The most challenging thing at work is communicating with the clients. Since I’m going in at a new time this week I’ll be working with new people! (Totally scary) People I didn’t meet last week. This makes today tougher than last Friday. It shouldn’t be so hard to introduce myself and assist the people, but it is. I can often come across awkward or weird or just not really know how to socially “normally”(whatever that is)
At least the day moves quickly and I enjoy the job so far. Thankfully it doesn’t seem like a very messy place either. Employees seem very focused on the patients. I hate when I walk ina job and it’s nothing but BS flying all over the place by a bunch of bitter women. Coffee helps also…..it kinda helps get me through the day. I haven’t drank it consistently since I worked before. Granted it probably adds to my anxiety…it helps me, especially when I haven’t been able to sleep much and have work.
I really have to consider my own business…..I don’t want to be stuck working and making moves on someone else’s time.