Searching for Balance 

We all have opinions of what a strong woman looks like. I don’t mean strong as in trying to be masculinely strong, but strong in a feminine way. I, in no way shape or form want to be strong in the same way as man if you know what I mean. I do however want to figure out a balance. It’s funny too because I’m a Libra and my scales stay off…way off! 

At times I exhibit aggressive, masculine like behavior. During these incidents I feel it’s inappropriate to show emotion or let others see my weakness. Even if I’m about to break down and cry…..I’ll counter act that with a more hardened reaction to hide my feelings. I don’t want to be considered weak. Especially because it sounds like something my dad would’ve despised. He tried to threaten, intimidate, and beat it out of me. All that did was possibly make it worse. I was not nurtured enough I suppose to balance out that type of parenting. 


 I step out the house with my fists up, ready to block and swing each day. Even if I’m not leaving the house I get out the bed and go to sleep like this. It’s tiresome to say the least. Even to those that mean me no harm. Those that care and show me they love me. Maybe it’s part of me that just doesn’t really believe this because I know I’m so difficult. I know no one has to stay in my corner….and why would they with my behavior * Kanye shrugs*

Reflecting on my life, especially the past 2 years has helped me a lot. It’s helping me to understand myself better and why I turned out this way. Yes, some is the result of terrible parenting other is bad qualities within me. However, maybe this will eventually help me resolve these issues. 

I consider myself a spiritual person. I was even foolishly, physically and mentally  trapped in a cult a few years ago(long story for another day). I have always been looking for answers one way or another. Unfortunately, I took a few wrong turns with that lol! As many of us do. 

I’m considering going the metaphysical/ naturopathic route to my healing. I do feel like there is some physical entity around me often and I don’t think it’s good for me. I’m not sure if it means me well or if it does I’m too damaged to see it right now. I know that sounds a lil creepy…..

One artists that’s been getting me through my days is Abra. She’s a fairly new artists but I relate to many of her songs and her style of production. Many of her songs give me a pick me up for some reason. 

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m a Libra too, so the title of your post drew me in. 🙂 I too had a father who tried to ‘beat’ out certain things in my small life – and yes that just makes things a whole lot worse …
    Sometimes it’s hard to leave those old memories behind because they always seem to want to follow you everywhere and take centre stage. It’s tough isn’t it? Hard though it is, put those fists down, and try a little tenderness …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Try a little tenderness….that just made me smile! Indeed…..I so agree. It’s definitely tough to do. It’s almost like having to fight with myself to do so. It’s a struggle to let out that soft side.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love that that made you smile … see you are letting out that soft side already …:)

        Like

  2. Thanks so much for the follow. I’ve read so many of your posts because they are so honest and I can relate to many of them. You can be sure I’ll be following you back …

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good post! We all need balance in life.It helps to keep a person centered. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    Like

    1. Thanks for reading!!

      Liked by 1 person

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