We all have opinions of what a strong woman looks like. I don’t mean strong as in trying to be masculinely strong, but strong in a feminine way. I, in no way shape or form want to be strong in the same way as man if you know what I mean. I do however want to figure out a balance. It’s funny too because I’m a Libra and my scales stay off…way off!
At times I exhibit aggressive, masculine like behavior. During these incidents I feel it’s inappropriate to show emotion or let others see my weakness. Even if I’m about to break down and cry…..I’ll counter act that with a more hardened reaction to hide my feelings. I don’t want to be considered weak. Especially because it sounds like something my dad would’ve despised. He tried to threaten, intimidate, and beat it out of me. All that did was possibly make it worse. I was not nurtured enough I suppose to balance out that type of parenting.
I step out the house with my fists up, ready to block and swing each day. Even if I’m not leaving the house I get out the bed and go to sleep like this. It’s tiresome to say the least. Even to those that mean me no harm. Those that care and show me they love me. Maybe it’s part of me that just doesn’t really believe this because I know I’m so difficult. I know no one has to stay in my corner….and why would they with my behavior * Kanye shrugs*
Reflecting on my life, especially the past 2 years has helped me a lot. It’s helping me to understand myself better and why I turned out this way. Yes, some is the result of terrible parenting other is bad qualities within me. However, maybe this will eventually help me resolve these issues.
I consider myself a spiritual person. I was even foolishly, physically and mentally trapped in a cult a few years ago(long story for another day). I have always been looking for answers one way or another. Unfortunately, I took a few wrong turns with that lol! As many of us do.
I’m considering going the metaphysical/ naturopathic route to my healing. I do feel like there is some physical entity around me often and I don’t think it’s good for me. I’m not sure if it means me well or if it does I’m too damaged to see it right now. I know that sounds a lil creepy…..
One artists that’s been getting me through my days is Abra. She’s a fairly new artists but I relate to many of her songs and her style of production. Many of her songs give me a pick me up for some reason.