As the first day of January 2017 comes to a close, I feel much better than I did earlier today. I feel confident in ending the day on a positive note, though I’d prefer to have a pleasant day over all. I realize this just isn’t possible for me some days. I sometimes have catastrophic tantrum like meltdowns. Afterwords I feel terrible as an adult woman! I use blogging as therapy to a certain extent. I also believe that others may find comfort in my words or want to know that their are others out there dealing with similar issues. I also do not want my blog to be super depressing for readers. However, I do want to be honest about my struggles.
I occasionally self harm(verbally & physically) when things seem to be too much or I’m too frustrated with my current situation, whatever it may be at the time. Usually in these situations I feel slighted, hurt, not good enough, not intelligent enough…..all delusional of course. These flaws cause strife in friendships and relationships, manifesting in different ways.
I’ve come a long way from the mess I was 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder and dysthymic disorder( which is a milder form of depression. However, by now maybe I have just plain old depression. On top of these I have regular life trauma that has effected me as a person. As I stated, I’ve come a long way…..I know myself much better, I feel confident (kinda) in my ability to tackle these issues and succeed.
Working in the mental health field and being affected by mental illness I believe that support systems are critical for those similar to me. I do believe that some can do it on their own. Whereas people like me need support. We already struggle with loneliness and that no one is in our corner for whatever reason( most times it’s true and not delusion). During mental health hospital visits doctors would ask if I had a support system. The answer was no. Yes…I have family, but family does not automatically equate support. Although, It should.
In reality, I never had that THING that other girls/women have with their mothers. I could put all the blame on her as I usually do, while minimizing how difficult of a person I can be. A conversation with a close friend helped open my eyes to that. I’d been soooooo busy trying to point at my mom, dad, grandparents…..if you guys have read other posts you know I’ve touched on that a bit. My mom was not and is still not the best communicator. She never talked to me about the important things until she really had to or I was knee deep in some S***. I wanted her to ask me about my boyfriends and talk to me about the important stuff about life. I am now in my late 20s and unfortunately at times I wish I had that kinda mother. I wish I had a mom that took more interest in me as a person.
I recently told her I was contemplating going back to school…..during the conversation, which seemed like I was having with myself, she did not ask any questions or prod at all. She still does not know what I want to go to school for. In my mind she does not give a f*** and I felt extremely silly for thinking she would be interested in the conversation. I’m an adult, but I’m still her child if that makes sense. I’d expect someone off the street to not care, but sometimes they are the ones that seem to care the most.
All things considered, I understand that’s just who she is. I’m an adult woman, a little rough around the edges, full of passion, and desire to improve. This year I will be seeking out some sort of mentor/life coach. My significant other is a great support, consequently it is difficult for a man to guide a woman on being a woman. He helps me in other ways. In retrospect I’ve been searching for this mother/guide figure for years subconsciously. At the time I did not realize that’s what was pulling me towards certain women. Let me mention also that some were not good examples and others were just not interested in really befriending me. I have to take matters in my own hands and start to make some real improvements within my psyche. It’s imperative that I grow into a functioning woman and can parent a child successfully in the near future.