As teenagers the possibilities in life seem endless. Nothing can stop you, nothing can get in your way. I was raised somewhat sheltered than most of my peers. I wasn’t allowed to go around corners to play with other kids, no matter how much I begged, b****ed, and moaned. It wasn’t happening! In retrospect, I give reverence to my parents for their attempt to keep me from harm. The neighborhood that we lived in was not the safest by any means, especially in the 90s. As a kid I spent an abundance of time alone or not necessarily with peers. I found comfort in television (Nick, Disney, & many other films that had me believing in fairy tales and thinking real life could be this way), music, videos, video games, books, and other things that interested me at that time.
I have reason to believe this was the possible catalyst for my social awkwardness. My lack of experience with others in my age bracket made me seem a bit eccentric to others. I learned to be somewhat calculated in my interactions. I processed what I would do or say before I did or said it. I never desired to piss others off or seem weird or unknowledgeable in situations. Coming from a household where my father was very masculine and at times spoke to and disciplined me like I was a male child did not help either. Then having a mother that barely communicated, showed emotion, or seemed like she was listening when I attempted to open up. I’m aware that they did what they could. I’m working on letting go and refraining from feeling some kind of way about their parenting skills. However, I am aware that their parenting skills did effect me in unfavorable ways.
I struggled trying to figure out how to interact with others, to blend in, to seem normal…….and like everyone else. I did not necessarily want to stand out much. As a preteen/teen I did not wear clothing that I felt stood out because I was afraid of the stares I would get. I realize I held back so much of myself in fear of what others thought or would think about me. Now a days I use clothing, accessories, and hairstyles to express how I feel, something I was too timid to do before. In the mind of a teenager you believe what these people think or say is the end all be all. In reality no one really remembers or cares……spent all that time dimming my light!