It’s December already! We’ve almost made it through another full year. When I observe my life from this December to last December…….well there are situations I would have approached in a more mature way. Time has a way of teaching us to learn from our inaccurate choices and decisions. On occasion, it is a difficult task to stare at yourself in the mirror and say without any pride, haughtiness , or justification that yes….I’ve erred and have to live with that.
This year flew by….lightning fast. I moved out of state and back, gone through a slight mental breakdown, found love, misplaced love, found love again….and relentlessly fought my inner demons. This inner darkness has taken hold of me lately and I’ve been stuck in it’s clutches for a while now. Desiring to be happy, but this darkness continues to take me under. I almost feel weak for not being able to defeat this long time enemy of mine. I know I can….it’s just proven to be a more daunting task than I realized initially. For some reason the part of me that I want to die has gotten stronger and the goodness has become weaker. The part of me that wants to fight, that wants love and to give love has become feeble and almost impossible to see. The darkness has grown and consumed me. I’m to blame…I mean I did feed it. I fed it negativity for breakfast, lunch, dinner & late night snack.
Not into the “New Years Resolution” thing for a number of reasons, so this is not really about it being a new year. It’s about change…about me making a real transformation to the woman that I know I can be. I’ll let the repugnant part of me die off as the foliage this winter. I won’t wallow in the darkness and wait for the light to come. I have to turn on the light……..
To be continued……