Not Quite There Yet

Almost 30 and my life is in disarray. I want children and a family, but it’s not looking too good. When most people my age are finishing grad school, getting married, or having babies at this point. However, I’m still emotionally unstable. Attempting to figure out how to live a balanced life. Trying to live anxiety and depression free. 

I can’t build a family like this. My significant other has two young girls. I’m sure he doesn’t want me living with them the way I am now. I get angry with myself for being so screwed up as an adult woman. It makes me mad to the point of rage at times. When you have to look in the mirror and know that you haven’t amounted to being a woman for real. Yes, I’m of age…but what makes a woman a woman? Well, that I don’t have. 

I’m not sure how long it will take me to get on the right track. What I do know is it won’t happen over night. It may even take years. 

I’m gravitating towards erasing family building from my goals. I’m happier alone most times anyway. When I’m around other people things can quickly turn chaotic, especially in a relationship. I’m not sure how to overcome these emotional hardships. What I do know is that I keep doing my best and it’s not good enough. My mood is pretty unbearable and I guess I’m going to get some alcohol as relief. It works for me sometimes…..not the best idea though. 


17 Comments Add yours

  1. Not to sound like I’m lecturing, but I know that alcohol made my issues MUCH worse.

    I think often times, we tend to compare ourselves to what we THINK is an ideal way to be. What if, we are just how we are supposed to be? What if we just accepted our emotions and feelings the way they are and not assume they are anything but normal?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m having second thoughts about alcohol…it definitely has made it worst in the past. I think comparing could hinder me. I’ve also thought that our journey is all our own. Everyone is dealt different cards ya know? That’s definitely a way to look at things. I appreciate the suggestions from someone who’s been through it too!! I just have those really bad days at times.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not sure if it’ll help, but I began to visualize my depression and anxiety as a tidal wave: sometimes there is nothing you can do about it, you just let it hit you and after it recedes you get up and wipe the debris away.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve never tried this. I’ve somewhat heard of this tool. Does it help you a lot?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It involves acceptance, for sure, and it took me a little while before being able to do it successfully, but it has worked for me. The important thing for me to keep in mind is that what I feel this moment will not be exactly what I feel later…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Lady G says:

    It’s time to be a little easier on yourself lil sis.
    You have much more time than you think.
    Don’t get me wrong, when I was your age, I felt like I was rushing to do all of the things that you mentioned. That said, I did some thing out of order but I have no regrets.
    You are a beautiful and unique expression of God. Remember that 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Beautiful and unique expression of God”, that’s wonderfully put. I think I have to learn to accept the out of order moments. The end result could still be awesome. Each path is different…..I just have those extra tough days where it’s a lil harder to pull through. I appreciate the comment. I intend to practice positive affirmations and I may add that beautiful and unique expression of God! Thank you 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lady G says:

        You are so welcome love πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Vinny Idol says:

    Dont feel alone in your struggles.A lot of “millenials” are in the same boat as you. Theres too much pressure from society to “mature and grow up” and too little resources to actually undergo that process.

    There’s few well paying jobs, mature romantic interests or affordable cities.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is true indeed. Thanks for reading and understanding where I’m coming from. There is definitely pressure and some people look down at others for not being in a certain place unfortunately.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Vinny Idol says:

        Youre welcome. I definitely feel where youre coming from. Ironically, I have had those same feelings recently.

        I try to just meditate and think of plans, to get rid of those thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I intended on meditating today and doing a number of other things. I’m still new to meditating so I put it off sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Vinny Idol says:

        Good. Youll go and practice, when the time is right. I was the same way with my yoga, at first.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel what you are saying. It is good that you are gradually moving beyond the societal model of what life you ought to be living. It is best to just do what you want to do, and live the life you want to live, instead of mindlessly following others.

    “What makes a woman a woman?” – only you can determine that. Your problems with anxiety and depression are not at odds with what it means to be a woman. There have been plenty of women who are strong and productive in spite of, and BECAUSE of their anxiety and depression. You will be fine! Anyone who cannot accept you as you are is unworthy of your love. It’s like that Mary J Blige song: “take me as I am, or have nothing at all.”

    It is also good that you know, to some degree, that alcohol may not be a good idea. It is, at base, an attempt to escape from reality – which creates a whole ‘nother set of problems. This certainly won’t help. The best thing to do is to keep being BRAVE and expressing and confronting your emotions! =)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Indeed!!! Yea, that is a question each individual has to define for themselves. It was something I thought about and asked myself. I know that MJB song….I feel you. People can have successful, productive lives with mental health issues. I had decided to not escape reality yesterday. I just dealt πŸ’ͺ🏾

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Great! Keep up the good work!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for reading and commenting!!

        Liked by 1 person

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