Struggling through anxiety when there is real danger. Not just perceived! Living in a neighborhood where many ( NOT ALL) of the people are at a lower socioeconomic status, oppressed, unlearned, untreated mental illness, malnutrition etc. Although, there are many good things about where I live. This post will not focus on that. The neighborhood has recently began the gentrification process like many other neighborhoods in major cities around the country. Many poor families and individuals will be pushed out soon. Some have already been.
A couple of weeks ago I learned that an EX was shot several times on the opposite side of town. I found out several weeks after it happened. This person and I had a 5 year relationship and it was difficult learning this news. He survived, but that does not do ANYTHING for my anxiety. I have never lost anyone that I felt emotionally close to. Yes, I have had family members transition, but it’s a little different for me. I use to have a difficult time feeling close to family….sometimes I still do. When I got this news so many things ran through my head. I have never been through anything like that. My younger sister has dealt with friends passing. Friends she may have been with the day before something suddenly happened or someone took their life. I on the other have not.This started my brain to churning, thinking about life. Contemplating how I need to be nicer and treat everyone like it is their last day. You never know when that will be, especially living where I live. Yes, I would like to move into a better area once I am on my feet. I recently moved back to my hometown after living out of state for several months or so.
Life’s obstacles let’s us evolve and grow at the right times. My state of mind is different than it was at this time last year. From the time I was a child until now(sometimes) I try to act ‘hard’ or unafraid…..knowing damn well I’m terrified. I am not really about that life. If I am pushed or attacked I can get about something lol! However, it was never seen as a good thing for people to show weakness or scariness during a crisis or crazy situations. I always do a good job of putting up that front (or at least I use to), unless a person truly knows me they can see through it. I try to just be me and deal with situations a little better than I use to.
Last night my sister stopped by to speak with me and my significant other. She had an issue that she wanted our opinion on. We were all ears and willing to engage with her. She stated that she went to drop her child off at his father’s house which is maybe 10 minutes from my place of residence. As soon as he is getting my nephew (2 year old) out of the car someone starts shooting a couple of houses down. He drops to the ground over my nephew to protect him. My sister was still inside her car. No one knows which direction the shots were coming from. The father then runs along the side of the house to the back with my nephew instead of going up the stairs into the house. It was too much open space going up the stairs. He felt that this was the best thing to do in this adrenaline filled crisis situation. My sister felt that he should’ve done something different because once he got to the back of the house it is not really much cover. He probably should’ve thrown my nephew back in the car since the door was still open and he was initially near car. However, in these situations people do what they think is best in that split second. My sister asks if they were trying to hit him, but he says that he does not know. HOW??!! HOW don’t you know?! THAT MEANS IT’S A POSSIBILITY. We don’t want him there anymore since his a** does not know. He’ll have to make other arrangements to see his son now. He is not a street guy, but he has an extremely smart mouth and people these days do NOT care. So, he could’ve easily pissed someone off.
My anxiety was running rampant. I am not as bad as I could be, but still. I feel like this is legit and necessary worry. I think of anxiety more along the lines of unnecessary worry about certain things. Even when I go outside the house now I get more anxiety than before. Even if I am downtown my city…where it’s nicer, I am still on edge half the time. When I was a teenager or even 2 years ago I did not feel like this. Hopefully, I can focus and fight these feelings when out. I do not want to end up so fearful to leave the house that I become imprisoned here.