Not Just Anxiety…Real Worries !

Struggling through anxiety when there is real danger. Not just perceived! Living in a neighborhood where many ( NOT ALL) of the people are at a lower socioeconomic status, oppressed, unlearned, untreated mental illness, malnutrition etc. Although, there are many good things about where I live. This post will not focus on that. The neighborhood  has recently began the gentrification process like many other neighborhoods in major cities around the country. Many poor families and individuals will be pushed out soon. Some have already been.

A couple of weeks ago I learned that an EX was shot several times on the opposite side of town. I found out several weeks after it happened. This person and I had a 5 year relationship and it was difficult learning this news. He survived, but that does not do ANYTHING  for my anxiety. I have never lost anyone that I felt emotionally close to. Yes, I have had family members transition, but it’s a little different for me. I use to have a difficult time feeling close to family….sometimes I still do. When I got this news so many things ran through my head. I have never been through anything like that. My younger sister has dealt with friends passing. Friends she may have been with the day before something suddenly happened or someone took their life. I on the other have not.This started my brain to churning, thinking about life. Contemplating how I need to be nicer and treat everyone like it is their last day. You never know when that will be, especially living where I live. Yes, I would like to move into a better area once I am on my feet. I recently moved back to my hometown after living out of state for several months or so.

Life’s obstacles let’s us evolve and grow at the right times. My state of mind is different than it was at this time last year. From the time I was a child until now(sometimes) I try to act ‘hard’ or unafraid…..knowing damn well I’m terrified. I am not really about that life. If I am pushed or attacked I can get about something lol!  However, it was never seen as a good thing for people to show weakness or scariness during a crisis or crazy situations. I always do a good job of putting up that front (or at least I use to), unless a person truly knows me they can see through it. I try to just be me and deal with situations a little better than I use to.

Last night my sister stopped by to speak with me and my significant other. She had an issue that she wanted our opinion on. We were all ears and willing to engage with her. She stated that she went to drop her child off at his father’s house which is maybe 10 minutes from my place of residence. As soon as he is getting my nephew (2 year old) out of the car someone starts shooting a couple of houses down. He drops to the ground over my nephew to protect him. My sister was still inside her car. No one knows which direction the shots were coming from. The father then runs along the side of the house to the back with my nephew instead of going up the stairs into the house. It was too much open space going up the stairs. He felt that this was the best thing to do in this adrenaline filled crisis situation. My sister felt that he should’ve done something different because once he got to the back of the house it is not really much cover. He probably should’ve thrown my nephew back in the car since the door was still open and he was initially near car. However, in these situations people do what they think is best in that split second. My sister asks if they were trying to hit him, but he says that he does not know. HOW??!! HOW don’t you know?! THAT MEANS IT’S A POSSIBILITY. We don’t want him there anymore since his a** does not know. He’ll have to make other arrangements to see his son now. He is not a street guy, but he has an extremely smart mouth and people these days do NOT care. So, he could’ve easily pissed someone off.

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My anxiety was running rampant. I am not as bad as I could be, but still. I feel like this is legit and necessary worry. I think of anxiety more along the lines of unnecessary worry about certain things. Even when I go outside the house now I get more anxiety than before. Even if I am downtown my city…where it’s nicer, I am still on edge half the time. When I was a teenager or even  2 years ago I did not feel like this. Hopefully, I can focus and fight these feelings when out. I do not want to end up so fearful to leave the house that I become imprisoned here.

 

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12 Comments Add yours

  1. A lot of people have no concept of the realities of some people’s lives. I’m always amazed at the tenacity of people that have to live in these sorts of conditions. The anxiety of dealing with a tragedy like the one you talked about here is difficult…you know you want to do so much for the person, but you also know there is nothing you can do about it, after the fact. I remember when my brother died, I was pissed off for years, and there is no easy solution, no way to comprehend the multitude of emotions that will run through you. Nothing really prepares you for dealing with the tragedy that hits a loved one.

    Stay strong, my friend, stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m going to stay as strong as I can! I totally agree, nothing can truly prepare a person for tragedy. So many people live in their own lil worlds & could care less to attempt to understand others’ reality.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Tareau Barron says:

    Everyone deals with things differently. I myself experienced death at a young age so I had to come to terms with death being apart of life. I know it sounds dark but it’s the truth. As far as anxiety, no one can treat, cure, or tell you how to deal with YOUR own anxiety. It sounded like you were very brave to even just share this stuff with the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It doesn’t sound dark at all to me. Most people around me have lost someone dear to them and have felt that void. I’m terrified of that because I’ve never felt it in that way. As far as anxiety….its just gonna be a constant work in progress. I refuse to give up. Thank u for taking the time to comment. It means a lot!

      Like

      1. Tareau Barron says:

        No thank you for expressing your personal life with the world. All the emotions we are taught to restrain but we have to express them

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, deep stuff.

    It is wise to prevent your nephew’s father from coming around – as violence could be following him, and cause collateral damage to other people.

    I understand what you mean about the anxiety becoming crippling to the point of maybe not leaving the house. I hope you can overcome this enough so that it does not impede your everyday functions.

    I have been trying to overcome my apprehensions about death as well. One thing that has helped me, personally, is writing about it. It is good you are doing this. What has also helped is reading different perspectives on death. I want to share a couple with you. Woody Allen wrote a very short play about death … it is hilarious and therapeutic. Check it out! Here is the link: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5463d4a4e4b011a27cb70f0f/t/55eb47fbe4b0234ca71bec85/1441482747046/DeathKnocksbyWoodyAllen.pdf

    Eastern philosophy on death has also helped me – in particular, the lectures of Alan Watts (available on Youtube) which have completely changed my worldview and helped reduce my anxiety. If you get a spare moment, look into some of his speeches!

    As always – great writing! Stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hope I can overcome it too. I probably look at death a little diff from the norm. I don’t believe that soul truly dies, but to deal with lost loved ones seems frightening. I will definitely be checking out the Woody Allen play as well as Alan Watts. Thank you for the suggestion and reading!!! I appreciate it.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. moepayne1993 says:

    I can relate so much to this post. Being from Chicago especially. When my siblings or my family or friends don’t answer the phone I get so much anxiety. When I hear about someone getting killed, I always think the negative and think that it’s someone I know. I’ve lost friends and people I know due to the violence here and it doesn’t get any easier. Praying for you sis.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you sis, I appreciate you taking the time to read & comment. I’m glad another black woman can relate! It definitely doesn’t get easier. It’s like it’s gotten worse….10 years ago I feel like it wasn’t as crazy out here.

      Like

  5. Vinny Idol says:

    People have been desensitized to death and violence. Theres so many school shootings, police shootings, terrorist attacks, and war; that loss doesnt hit them as sharply. Ive had a few funerals in my family over the last 10 years. but somehow, Ive never been to a funeral.

    Ive slowly accepted death as a part of life as well. I had a health scare last year, and I had a feeling i was close to death. The thought entered my brain, and I started to lose some consciousness. As crazy as it sounds, I refused to let myself lose consciousness.

    As for the anxiety, I’ve dealt with my anxiety through yoga. I have family in Chicago, and everytime I hear about a shooting, I hope its not my sisters.

    Good luck with your situation. The situation with your nephew would have my nerves haywire too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, many are desensitized to the violence we hear about and see everyday. It doesn’t make it normal. Yoga is very relaxing. I don’t do it as much as I should. It definitely is worrisome thinking about loved ones being hurt. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Vinny Idol says:

        Thanks for following me. And reminding me to be grateful.

        Im actually practicing my yoga right now.lol

        Yes it is. Luckily, my sisters are tough and resourceful.

        No problem.

        Liked by 1 person

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